Oh, man, Jersey Shore. What to say? You recognize when you in a live-in relationship and also you’ve both personally reckoned with the truth that the love is gone, and also now it’s just a matter of blurting it out over dinner and breaking your lease? ns feel favor we’re all experiencing a little bit the that with the guid-os and -ettes. It has actually probably been less complicated for me than it is because that you, due to the fact that recapping affords a details sense that journalistic emotionally detachment, and additionally because JS and I have actually the exact same initials, so when we rest up ns don’t need to throw the end all the stuff us monogrammed.

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When us last left them, all of the housemates — save Vinny and also Pauly who were doing their Team Hetero-Lifemate thing — had actually seized this possibility to move all of the indoor furniture outside and also vice versa, therefore pulling turn off “the best prank of every time.” This motivated us every to wonder, When is George Clooney walking to pop out, and also how precisely will this damage the career of Brad Pitt? Alas, various other housemates take it the prank quite well. So congratulations, YouTube-Trashcan-Halloween-Punch, you deserve to still call yourself “the finest prank ever.”

At first they think the a tiki party (“Mike looks also dumber 보다 he generally looks,” notes Pauly) or possibly that they’ve been robbed (because Pauly and also Vinny are sitting in the living room drinking roof tais v zinc on your noses, which is what girlfriend do as soon as your house is violated). Everybody’s like, “Ha-ha, good one, guys.” however it’s about to rain, for this reason everybody very logically start bringing in stuff other than for Mike, that sees an possibility to pout and also pounces on it. He actually goes upstairs to simply sit through his ingredient in the rain, prefer the captain of a ship peopled through disgusting sneakers.

Snooki states his name need to be changed from “The Situation” to “The Bitchuation.” Ha-ha, great one, Snook. No, really, her distribution is pretty here.

Then yes sir a call from Deena’s sister, Joanie, that sounds favor a Toddlers and also Tiaras competitor who chose “late-career Lorraine Bracco impression” for her talent portion. She coming up because that a visit, i m sorry prompts Mike to share some intel through Snooki indigenous his brothers Frank: Joanie is a squirter. Which provides sense; ns think a lot of us pictured her together a mollusk. Mike marvels if he should “use” this information. God, what is through him and “using” details on people? Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, death Yourself.

At the club that night, vinny finds an ext lesbians. Again with the lesbians, Vin? “We re-superstructure a common interest,” the says. What’s that, Vin? Pit bull rescue? Michigan Womyn’s Music Fest?

Deena finds out that Mike is calling she sister “goddess of water” and also stuff, and because she a nice person, she’s an ext pissed off 보다 grossed out. Vinny bring the lesbians home and begs Ronnie for the Smush Room for this reason he deserve to sleep v the lesbians. Ronnie nearly double-cockblocks him, and also says something mean about how the lesbians look like Matthew McConaughey since he’s one asshole flesh–stegosaurus who I will certainly not miss one bit. Ronnie ultimately capitulates.

Deena slurs some stuff at Mike around his trash talking and he lies through his teeth around telling Snooki. God, he’s such a sociopath. Just how do you also go back into the real civilization after this? walk James Frey still have actually that YA imprint, and also do friend think he demands someone illiterate?

Then, yes a substantial storm. Oh, hey there, wrath of God, pretty of you to show up. Yes a the majority of screeching and also the lamp flicker, however somehow anyone comes the end of things unscathed sufficient to walk to Karma the night. Deena’s sister shows up with Mike’s brother, who kind of looks choose Matthew Lillard’s face was Photoshopped onto the Bitchuation’s head. It transforms out they might like every other and also one day develop some sort of Brundlemeatball.

Finally, it’s your last night in ~ the house, and the housemates happen a pleasant meal of penne together. Sammi declares it the ideal summer ever, most likely startling many of the cast with her presence. Like a residence cat, the Sammi. They toast to “next summer,” but it feels eerily close to clinking Jäger shots v a high-school friend during the holidays in her hometown, vowing to save in touch also though friend no longer have actually anything in common. Yeah, sure, friend forever. View you next Thanksgiving.

The meatballs have actually planned a mini-revenge entailing a water balloon slingshot, and they assault the boys. Alas, Ronnie is a tactical genius, realizes they have actually no way of egress, and locks them on the porch. Send this male to Afghanistan! No, really, send this guy to Afghanistan.

The males launch a complete aquatic attack complete through Super Soakers and everybody misses the obvious Joanie joke. Deena hides below a tarp, Snooki whines, it’s similar to the Apache ambush step in Cormac McCarthy’s Blood Meridian, only an ext lyrical.

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On the critical morning, Pauly wakes everyone up v his patented Kool-Aid-Man-full-of-arrabiata: “Oh, yeah.” Everybody package up your tacky effects and also heads ago to their cavern dwellings and shanties. Pauly and Vinny hump goodbye, Deena states something suddenly poignant about how the housemates room a soap opera that she is addicted to. Snooki drink alone and bids farewell to the to pee stain prior to ominously declaring, “What am i going to do now? I can do this every summer, I can do this 50 year from now.” collective James Earl Jones laugh. 

Actually, you recognize what? This was in reality a pretty great episode! Lesbians, squirters, water balloon fights, minimal promos because that I simply Want My pants Back, i m sorry is nice: I recognize it hasn’t to be the easiest season, for you, sweet readers. One, due to the fact that the show has to be terrible, and also two, since a lot of you to let go the old recappers (they were great!). Hopefully, you had actually an okay time v me, lot like a teenage young on the brink the manhood can reluctantly reap a fishing trip with his alpha-male stepdad.

For mine part, I greatly enjoyed every one of youse. Say thanks to you because that letting me be her cheerful ferryman throughout what Virgil could have described as “this dreary coast.” Or, as fellow poet Jenni claimed so poignantly, a season the was a lot prefer being in jail, but also like being part of a family. “It’s not ‘goodbye,’ that ‘I’ll watch you later.’”